The truth about living my life...another rough draft

In my attempt to live my life I have hurt three very important people. Now these are not the only important people in my life, but they are the people who I feel I need to mention in my blog. One of these persons will probably only acknowledge me through reading this blog for a very long while. So this is really for him.

I have always only wanted to do the right thing in life, for the sake of other people. Truth be told I normally think about who will get hurt if I do anything I do, excluding myself from the picture.

This time around however, I followed my heart and went after something that I wanted for a change....and then repeatedly changed my mind because I was thinking about the other person. Last night I went to visit a friend who asked me one simple question, "What do I want?" The trouble is that I don't really know for certain what I want or rather "who" I want simply because I don't see life as a set of "wants" and "unwants", but rather, "should's" and "should not's".

The world we live in is designed based on "should's" and "should not's". You should not break a red light because if you do there could be an accident and someone could die. You should wash your hands after you use the bathroom because if you don't you could get sick. (Plus it's just plain nasty). Unfortunately, someone who I loved dearly (and still do in many ways) stated emphatically, that life is not about should's and should not's but that it's more important to just live.

Following that line of thought, I lived...dangerously and got caught. Living, is not so easy. And worse, when seemingly ill advised the consequences for dangerous living are your own, because unfortunately you were the one making the choices.

So, for me the truth about living my life is that, unfortunately, I can't be selfish and live my life for me. Did it once and completely screwed up two other human beings in the process.

I gather this is why my faith preaches that I should live my life for the Lord (as "hairy-fairy" and unrealistic as that may sound.) Makes a whole lot of sense now...believe me.

So again, I apologise for being indecisive, for not being completely honest about my feelings but most of all for not having the will or the courage to press forward through a seemingly difficult relationship. This now makes me wonder about my own level of relationship maturity, but that's for another blog.