August 10, 2011
It’s been said that writing is a form of expression. I write as a way of dealing with the pain – the loss of a family member, the ending of relationships and unachieved expectations. I also write when I’m angry, when life feels out-of-control and I have no idea just what is going on. The thing about it is this – I am and I’m not supposed to know anything about my life. The exact plans for my future may be mapped out, but it is more important for me to trust that the God I say I believe in has it worked out for me. And all I’m required to do is listen. Now that, for me, believe it or not, is the hardest thing to do. For years if you asked me what my greatest fear in life was I would say, “Failure”. If you asked me at what, I would say, “Anything”. In hindsight, that has got to be the most ridiculous fear in the world to have. If I truly believe in the existence of God and his son Jesus Christ, the first thing I would have to accept is this – I will fail, repeatedly. No one is perfect and to strive for perfection is senseless (Romans 3:23). However, trusting that someone else is taking care of my needs and my future is a part of my choice to be a Christian. Does it mean that I don’t need to work hard or to do my part to be the best I can be? Not at all. God expects my best – not what other people consider my best, but my best efforts. Shutting out others who genuinely love me on the other hand is also difficult, but the truth is they may very well be a part of the noise that needs to be shut out so I can hear what I need to do next. Anxiety and perfect human planning are not a part of the life of a Christian. Hoping in a circumstance, which could go bust, is not a part of it either. And looking at other people’s lives wondering, “What the heck am I doing wrong?” is not a part of that either. I believe in a God that’s bigger than all my worry – but every now and again I need to remind myself of that.
