Invictus

by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

"So I will wait for you"

A popular Jamaican favourite, "So I will wait for you" by Freddie McGregor is still as much a hit as it was in the eighties as it is now. I'm assuming the song was written and produced in the eighties because, I'm an eighties baby and that's when I remember hearing it. So the song is basically speaking about a man who willingly gives up his woman because well she asked him to. The thing that makes the song so special are these two lines,

"And so I will wait for you, just as long as you want me to
Yes I'll wait for you, you'll come through"

So now I wonder, why can't this be something the male gender of our species cling to as a flag ship statement? How difficult is it really, to wait for someone who you love?

Is this not a true indication of love?

Granted, Fred does have a large dilemma facing him when he asks the question,

"Was is the way of a fools heart to agree to set you free?"

Which he then answers to so well by saying,"All I know is if our love is real you'll come back to me"

My simple conclusion is that id any of this theory of waiting is true, then you'll know who really loves you by their uncanny ability to wait on you...(unfortunately men...I'm speaking to women only...unless there are any objections)

I miss Kahlil

Up to this point I have never used names in my blog entries. However, I now know that it is always better to just state things, especially in black and white. Simply, because if you're not afraid to think it, then you shouldn't be afraid to say it. Otherwise, you end up leading a half life which is highly unsatisfactory.

So I miss Kahlil. And the truth is, I'm jealous just thinking about the fact that I'm now the only person in his life (or former life) who will probably never again be able to share in his company openly. I've always considered myself capable of quickly bouncing back from hurt. Don't get me wrong. I'd have my spates and I'd cry and scream. But the overriding factor was always that sustaining the friendship was more important. So many a time I put on a brave face and just spent time with the individual ignoring the hurt I was feeling until I no longer felt it (or at least until something happened and all the pain just came flooding back. In which case, bwoy...I doan even know...)

Unfortunately, I've also taken for granted that other people can do this as well...

I've been criticised for not really loving the person which is why I've been able to forget. For the written record, this is not the case. I hurt just as deeply as the next person. However, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that no man would ever make me cry even if they broke my heart. I've broken that promise on many an occasion (thankfully, never to the individual's themselves). And also, for the written record, I feel pain...and remorse...

So...in short, I miss Kahlil. When you lose the constant company of a person, who knows how to make you laugh as much as make you cry; when the person who would just take you out "just because" goes, when I know I'll never see the dark room again...and smell the pungent odour of whatever chemicals are used to bring images, likeness' to a page :) Or take trips to Hollywell with the photo club...When he decides to sell his memories, even theoretically and I know it's my fault; when I call and I know I really shouldn't; when time is slowly...just slowly passing...and all I can do is respect that...

I miss Kahl, I miss him. And even though we still speak occasionally it's just not the same...

So all I can do is vent and apologise and be honest enough with myself to say...that I miss Kahlil...

Suck it Up...The Real Rough Draft!

Things I've had to suck up over the past 10 months...

- I'm Immature
- I'm Careless
- People screaming at me because I'm careless
- People screaming at me when someone else is careless
- My ex-boyfriend not speaking to me even though we're suppose to be Friends for Life
- My ex-boyfriend invading my privacy to give himself some vindication and establishing the reason for not speaking to me
- Loss of two very good friends (one of which who now thankfully speaks to me again)
- Ruption in my family because of things that I've done
- My father being sick on and off (which by the way apparently is because of the things I've done even though my mother can't tell me this she could hint at it to my ex-boyfriend who is not speaking to me)

- Putting titles on things. I now have an ex-boyfriend, where as before in a similar situation I would have been comfortable simply saying, "My good friend"

- Clients who....bomboclaut!

- Cursing even though I know it's wrong but I need to vent somehow

- Someone eventually reading this post and asking me "Why I'm cursing" or telling me I shouldn't curse...

And that's not even the beginning...

It's too late to Apologise

Just wanted you all to know that One Republic's "Apologise" is fantabulous! Hat's of to Timberland (though I doubt he cares what I think) on a rhythm that really helps to bring out the mood of the song.

Ironically I believe that a few people are telling me this...so this is actually my comfort song for the moment...

The truth about living my life...another rough draft

In my attempt to live my life I have hurt three very important people. Now these are not the only important people in my life, but they are the people who I feel I need to mention in my blog. One of these persons will probably only acknowledge me through reading this blog for a very long while. So this is really for him.

I have always only wanted to do the right thing in life, for the sake of other people. Truth be told I normally think about who will get hurt if I do anything I do, excluding myself from the picture.

This time around however, I followed my heart and went after something that I wanted for a change....and then repeatedly changed my mind because I was thinking about the other person. Last night I went to visit a friend who asked me one simple question, "What do I want?" The trouble is that I don't really know for certain what I want or rather "who" I want simply because I don't see life as a set of "wants" and "unwants", but rather, "should's" and "should not's".

The world we live in is designed based on "should's" and "should not's". You should not break a red light because if you do there could be an accident and someone could die. You should wash your hands after you use the bathroom because if you don't you could get sick. (Plus it's just plain nasty). Unfortunately, someone who I loved dearly (and still do in many ways) stated emphatically, that life is not about should's and should not's but that it's more important to just live.

Following that line of thought, I lived...dangerously and got caught. Living, is not so easy. And worse, when seemingly ill advised the consequences for dangerous living are your own, because unfortunately you were the one making the choices.

So, for me the truth about living my life is that, unfortunately, I can't be selfish and live my life for me. Did it once and completely screwed up two other human beings in the process.

I gather this is why my faith preaches that I should live my life for the Lord (as "hairy-fairy" and unrealistic as that may sound.) Makes a whole lot of sense now...believe me.

So again, I apologise for being indecisive, for not being completely honest about my feelings but most of all for not having the will or the courage to press forward through a seemingly difficult relationship. This now makes me wonder about my own level of relationship maturity, but that's for another blog.