I'm at my desk trying to do work and it's just not happening...I know I haven't blogged in a while but it's been a crazy few weeks. I've been summoned to my bosses office twice, gone on a wonderful vacation that I nearly ruined because of my indecisive nature (which I really want to rid myself of) and in short, I've been in an horrible emotional roller coaster.
Recently I've been contemplating the concept of "giving up". I actually "Googled" it and was surprised to find that there are at least five definitions for that one phrase. Typically, "give up" means "to abandon hope; despair". That I have done so many times in my life. Abandon is a really strong word. I know this all to well, but believe me it's true. I was really in love once, almost four years ago now... I really loved this person. With everything in me. And then one day, all that time, all our shared moments, everything I thought knew about love withstanding anything, left. No matter how much I wished or willed for it to come back, it never did. And it hurt. I cried for days, intermittently when no one was watching.
I don't like to show that I'm broken, or that I can bleed. I'm supposed to be Ms. effervescent, Ms. Sunshine. I help people with their problems, not the other way around. I listen to people and advise them. I'm suppose to be the strong one. So I tried to let him believe the break-up didn't phase me. That I could be a person without him. And I dated. not to hurt anyone else. But I refused to curl up in a corner and mope about my loss. I was not going to make any man break me. I thought I had to be stronger than that.
Strong... That should be the other word I contemplate...even google sometime. Strong. Now that I think about it, I've cracked so much within this past year...again because I was accused of "giving up". There's nothing more hurtful than having someone look at you and say to you that you've rejected all possibilities when you know yourself how painful that can be especially when you're on the receiving end.
So I plodded along. And reason after reason after reason came for me to "give up" on that relationship. Most of it was legitimate some of it was not and I shouldn't have listened to in the first place. But, what was I really "giving up" on? When you're under attack to the point that your family becomes disjointed, everything you know and therefore by extension, everything that makes you who you are is questioned and then obliterated...what do you do?
What do you do when you think you have the right to scream but there are bigger things around you that make you think your problems are insignificant in a moment, so you keep it in? What do you do when you've been taught that the right thing to do is to keep quiet when you're repeatedly told that what you're doing is wrong and you need to change course? What do you do when you feel practically defenseless because the dutiful obedient thing to do is to keep quiet and not make a retort? And then what do you when you're asked to speak, but you know saying what you really feel will only make things worse?
What do you do when you leave because you want to re-establish some peace and you're told that all you're doing is running? Quitters run Michaelia. You're not a quitter, you stay where you are and take this abuse. Which seems crazy...that can't be right...So I ran...I gave up...didn't I?
Most days I feel like I'm drowning. I've "given up" (to desist from; renounced) consecutive days of true bliss and happiness. I don't even remember what that's like anymore. I used to wake up smiling, move through the day smiling. And now...
And yet, I've contemplated these past four years and think, no. I haven't abandoned situations...I've thrown myself into all my relationships, I've "given up"(surrender, relinquished, devote (oneself) entirely to) my religion, my faith, my boyfriends and received in return phrases such as, "you're tearing your family apart", "you promised you wouldn't leave", "you've changed", "i don't know who you are", "I don't want this anymore". I stayed through all the questions and comments...so how do I become the bad person, who loses out...who only feels as if they have half a life, or pieces of what a whole person once was...
Oh and for the record, this is just the "rough draft" of how I'm feeling
I know I can't be depressed, because depression is hereditary and no one in my family is predisposed to depression, deep sadness, melancholy...
So, could someone please tell me what the "hell" is wrong with me?
