Today's Prayer

Dear Lord,

I thank You for this day.

I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.

I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.

Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept

all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.
I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak.. Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Saying Goodbye...

There's a song from the movie, " Muppets Take Manhattan" I love. It's a sad song called "It's time we're saying goodbye". The song begins with Kermit telling Ms. Piggy goodbye at a train station. The first line says, "Saying good bye..." well let me just post the words...

Saying goodbye, going away
Seems like goodbye's such a hard thing to say
Touching our hands, wondering why
It's time for saying goodbye.

Saying goodbye, why is it sad?
Makes us remember the good times we've had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It's time for saying goodbye.

Don't want to leave, but we both know
Sometimes its better to go

Somehow I know, we'll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don't know just when
You're in my heart, so until then
It's time for saying goodbye.

Somehow I know, we'll meet again
Not sure quite where and I don't know just when
You're in my heart so until then
Wanna smile
Wanna cry
Saying goodbye

Not sure what made me think of this song...but then again, maybe I do know....

Invictus

by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

"So I will wait for you"

A popular Jamaican favourite, "So I will wait for you" by Freddie McGregor is still as much a hit as it was in the eighties as it is now. I'm assuming the song was written and produced in the eighties because, I'm an eighties baby and that's when I remember hearing it. So the song is basically speaking about a man who willingly gives up his woman because well she asked him to. The thing that makes the song so special are these two lines,

"And so I will wait for you, just as long as you want me to
Yes I'll wait for you, you'll come through"

So now I wonder, why can't this be something the male gender of our species cling to as a flag ship statement? How difficult is it really, to wait for someone who you love?

Is this not a true indication of love?

Granted, Fred does have a large dilemma facing him when he asks the question,

"Was is the way of a fools heart to agree to set you free?"

Which he then answers to so well by saying,"All I know is if our love is real you'll come back to me"

My simple conclusion is that id any of this theory of waiting is true, then you'll know who really loves you by their uncanny ability to wait on you...(unfortunately men...I'm speaking to women only...unless there are any objections)

I miss Kahlil

Up to this point I have never used names in my blog entries. However, I now know that it is always better to just state things, especially in black and white. Simply, because if you're not afraid to think it, then you shouldn't be afraid to say it. Otherwise, you end up leading a half life which is highly unsatisfactory.

So I miss Kahlil. And the truth is, I'm jealous just thinking about the fact that I'm now the only person in his life (or former life) who will probably never again be able to share in his company openly. I've always considered myself capable of quickly bouncing back from hurt. Don't get me wrong. I'd have my spates and I'd cry and scream. But the overriding factor was always that sustaining the friendship was more important. So many a time I put on a brave face and just spent time with the individual ignoring the hurt I was feeling until I no longer felt it (or at least until something happened and all the pain just came flooding back. In which case, bwoy...I doan even know...)

Unfortunately, I've also taken for granted that other people can do this as well...

I've been criticised for not really loving the person which is why I've been able to forget. For the written record, this is not the case. I hurt just as deeply as the next person. However, I made a promise to myself a long time ago that no man would ever make me cry even if they broke my heart. I've broken that promise on many an occasion (thankfully, never to the individual's themselves). And also, for the written record, I feel pain...and remorse...

So...in short, I miss Kahlil. When you lose the constant company of a person, who knows how to make you laugh as much as make you cry; when the person who would just take you out "just because" goes, when I know I'll never see the dark room again...and smell the pungent odour of whatever chemicals are used to bring images, likeness' to a page :) Or take trips to Hollywell with the photo club...When he decides to sell his memories, even theoretically and I know it's my fault; when I call and I know I really shouldn't; when time is slowly...just slowly passing...and all I can do is respect that...

I miss Kahl, I miss him. And even though we still speak occasionally it's just not the same...

So all I can do is vent and apologise and be honest enough with myself to say...that I miss Kahlil...

Suck it Up...The Real Rough Draft!

Things I've had to suck up over the past 10 months...

- I'm Immature
- I'm Careless
- People screaming at me because I'm careless
- People screaming at me when someone else is careless
- My ex-boyfriend not speaking to me even though we're suppose to be Friends for Life
- My ex-boyfriend invading my privacy to give himself some vindication and establishing the reason for not speaking to me
- Loss of two very good friends (one of which who now thankfully speaks to me again)
- Ruption in my family because of things that I've done
- My father being sick on and off (which by the way apparently is because of the things I've done even though my mother can't tell me this she could hint at it to my ex-boyfriend who is not speaking to me)

- Putting titles on things. I now have an ex-boyfriend, where as before in a similar situation I would have been comfortable simply saying, "My good friend"

- Clients who....bomboclaut!

- Cursing even though I know it's wrong but I need to vent somehow

- Someone eventually reading this post and asking me "Why I'm cursing" or telling me I shouldn't curse...

And that's not even the beginning...

It's too late to Apologise

Just wanted you all to know that One Republic's "Apologise" is fantabulous! Hat's of to Timberland (though I doubt he cares what I think) on a rhythm that really helps to bring out the mood of the song.

Ironically I believe that a few people are telling me this...so this is actually my comfort song for the moment...

The truth about living my life...another rough draft

In my attempt to live my life I have hurt three very important people. Now these are not the only important people in my life, but they are the people who I feel I need to mention in my blog. One of these persons will probably only acknowledge me through reading this blog for a very long while. So this is really for him.

I have always only wanted to do the right thing in life, for the sake of other people. Truth be told I normally think about who will get hurt if I do anything I do, excluding myself from the picture.

This time around however, I followed my heart and went after something that I wanted for a change....and then repeatedly changed my mind because I was thinking about the other person. Last night I went to visit a friend who asked me one simple question, "What do I want?" The trouble is that I don't really know for certain what I want or rather "who" I want simply because I don't see life as a set of "wants" and "unwants", but rather, "should's" and "should not's".

The world we live in is designed based on "should's" and "should not's". You should not break a red light because if you do there could be an accident and someone could die. You should wash your hands after you use the bathroom because if you don't you could get sick. (Plus it's just plain nasty). Unfortunately, someone who I loved dearly (and still do in many ways) stated emphatically, that life is not about should's and should not's but that it's more important to just live.

Following that line of thought, I lived...dangerously and got caught. Living, is not so easy. And worse, when seemingly ill advised the consequences for dangerous living are your own, because unfortunately you were the one making the choices.

So, for me the truth about living my life is that, unfortunately, I can't be selfish and live my life for me. Did it once and completely screwed up two other human beings in the process.

I gather this is why my faith preaches that I should live my life for the Lord (as "hairy-fairy" and unrealistic as that may sound.) Makes a whole lot of sense now...believe me.

So again, I apologise for being indecisive, for not being completely honest about my feelings but most of all for not having the will or the courage to press forward through a seemingly difficult relationship. This now makes me wonder about my own level of relationship maturity, but that's for another blog.

"To Give Up - The Rough Draft "

I'm at my desk trying to do work and it's just not happening...I know I haven't blogged in a while but it's been a crazy few weeks. I've been summoned to my bosses office twice, gone on a wonderful vacation that I nearly ruined because of my indecisive nature (which I really want to rid myself of) and in short, I've been in an horrible emotional roller coaster.

Recently I've been contemplating the concept of "giving up". I actually "Googled" it and was surprised to find that there are at least five definitions for that one phrase. Typically, "give up" means "to abandon hope; despair". That I have done so many times in my life. Abandon is a really strong word. I know this all to well, but believe me it's true. I was really in love once, almost four years ago now... I really loved this person. With everything in me. And then one day, all that time, all our shared moments, everything I thought knew about love withstanding anything, left. No matter how much I wished or willed for it to come back, it never did. And it hurt. I cried for days, intermittently when no one was watching.

I don't like to show that I'm broken, or that I can bleed. I'm supposed to be Ms. effervescent, Ms. Sunshine. I help people with their problems, not the other way around. I listen to people and advise them. I'm suppose to be the strong one. So I tried to let him believe the break-up didn't phase me. That I could be a person without him. And I dated. not to hurt anyone else. But I refused to curl up in a corner and mope about my loss. I was not going to make any man break me. I thought I had to be stronger than that.

Strong... That should be the other word I contemplate...even google sometime. Strong. Now that I think about it, I've cracked so much within this past year...again because I was accused of "giving up". There's nothing more hurtful than having someone look at you and say to you that you've rejected all possibilities when you know yourself how painful that can be especially when you're on the receiving end.

So I plodded along. And reason after reason after reason came for me to "give up" on that relationship. Most of it was legitimate some of it was not and I shouldn't have listened to in the first place. But, what was I really "giving up" on? When you're under attack to the point that your family becomes disjointed, everything you know and therefore by extension, everything that makes you who you are is questioned and then obliterated...what do you do?

What do you do when you think you have the right to scream but there are bigger things around you that make you think your problems are insignificant in a moment, so you keep it in? What do you do when you've been taught that the right thing to do is to keep quiet when you're repeatedly told that what you're doing is wrong and you need to change course? What do you do when you feel practically defenseless because the dutiful obedient thing to do is to keep quiet and not make a retort? And then what do you when you're asked to speak, but you know saying what you really feel will only make things worse?

What do you do when you leave because you want to re-establish some peace and you're told that all you're doing is running? Quitters run Michaelia. You're not a quitter, you stay where you are and take this abuse. Which seems crazy...that can't be right...So I ran...I gave up...didn't I?

Most days I feel like I'm drowning. I've "given up" (to desist from; renounced) consecutive days of true bliss and happiness. I don't even remember what that's like anymore. I used to wake up smiling, move through the day smiling. And now...

And yet, I've contemplated these past four years and think, no. I haven't abandoned situations...I've thrown myself into all my relationships, I've "given up"(surrender, relinquished, devote (oneself) entirely to) my religion, my faith, my boyfriends and received in return phrases such as, "you're tearing your family apart", "you promised you wouldn't leave", "you've changed", "i don't know who you are", "I don't want this anymore". I stayed through all the questions and comments...so how do I become the bad person, who loses out...who only feels as if they have half a life, or pieces of what a whole person once was...

Oh and for the record, this is just the "rough draft" of how I'm feeling

I know I can't be depressed, because depression is hereditary and no one in my family is predisposed to depression, deep sadness, melancholy...

So, could someone please tell me what the "hell" is wrong with me?

This is who I am...

Uptight...tired looking...annoying voice...tiny...smiling...at the moment...sick...

Screaming....

So I haven't blogged in a month. As usual, I allowed for too much time to elapse before ranting. A little unhealthy, I know, because apparently whatever seems to be bothering me just stays with me until I explode on some unsuspecting victim. So, why do I take so long to blog? It's primarily because I feel like I'm talking to myself. No one ever leaves a comment. So, my questions just get put to black and white and that’s it. Nothing changes.

However, at this point in my life, it seems that I need my personal cyber loony bin. So here I am. And the situations that have presented themselves to me over the course of these few past weeks have become almost unbearable.

The hardest thing I have had to accept is the fact that my thought process and perspectives of life have been shaped by bigoted, pious and well...just plain hypocritical individuals in some cases.

In short ladies and gents, I have been in living in a school of fish who preach but don’t actually believe that all people are equal and should be treated equally regardless of religion, denomination or gender.

Now I know what you must be thinking. Naïve. The problem is that, I always held tightly to the things I have been taught. And more importantly, trusted the teachers. And yes I understand that, ”If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything”. But some teachings are worth rejecting, especially when it’s a life lesson you’re dealing with. Or even worse, other human beings.

First of all...the Religious conversion experience does not make a person better or worse. Clearly, there are good people in the world who aren't religious, so preaching to a bad person that "converting" to whatever religion/denomination will change them is utter bull. Religion doesn't change people. People chose to change and sometimes, religion facilitates that change.

Now I know to many people that sounds like a "DUH" moment. But believe me, I can guarantee you that someone out there reading this blog is crying blasphemy.

Second of all, Christianity (and yes I have to say this) Christianity as a religious organisation (of love) is still probably one of the largest producers of intolerant, idealistic, obstinate persons. Persons whose actions are anger and hypocrisy because of their own fears. Which in itself is hypocritical by the way since Christian people shouldn’t fear anything (Josh 1:9).

The fear I'm speaking about is this - fearing that they or the people they love could be corrupted by anything else that is not exactly like the mould they themselves have conformed to. Damn "Pharisaical" behaviour. Makes me sick! Have you guys forgotten that Jesus actively socialised with “kept women”(prostitutes), persons of the lowest financial class (fishermen), “Ministers of Finance” (tax collectors) and other “unworthy” persons?

Jesus’ closest friends were these individuals. His disciples. Peter was a liar, violent and cursed like no body's business, all of which happened while he knew Jesus. So tell me why exactly, you think yourself privy to judge who is acceptable and who is of ill-repute?

Thirdly, on issues of love, there was a prophet who married a harlot (just in case you forgot) because GOD told him to (Hosea). And God was the one who joined Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Not their family. So do the world a magnanimous favour…leave certain things alone! Because, truthfully, it has nothing to do with you…

In short, live out the religion. In this case, Christianity preaches acceptance and tolerance of everyone. Everyone. Showing the Jesus in you to everyone. That simply means…not ignoring people and pretending as if they don’t exist. Not judging someone who you’ve never really spoken to because you think you have some religious/spiritual intuition. Take the damn time to treat all people like people. After all, Jesus did say, “What you do to the least of these you did to me…”

So, now….religious fanatics and otherwise…my rant is done. What do you have to say about that?

First of all...

So I started wrting this blog ages ago. And it would have been one good rant too. But I must have found a way to deal with it, becuase I can't even remember what it was I was going to rant about. It began as "Okay, could someone please tell me why..." but there are so many different things that I can follow this line of questioning and yet, not one topic that I actually have the energy to speak about.

This morning I woke up with an acidic burning in my stomach, called the office told them I wasn't feeling well and would be late. Three hours later, there I was in office at my desk, desperately trying to get some work done and not trying to wallow in this dark cloudy space I currently find myself in.

My mom called to remind me about the oil in the car, which in its own way can be aggitating (side bar), but I think that this is the first time that I have felt so completely out of control of life.

So I guess, here's my question today well one of many I'm sure I'll have. First of all, why is it that when you try to be your own person, make your own mark, it seems like an impossibility?

There has been one bright spark to my lousy day. :) Pug Mom, I miss our convo's. Link me when the Devil Spawn isn't running you ragged. As a promo...for the satirical life of a pug and his pug mom view - thepugandi.blogspot.com

First Death of A Friend

"Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed--" Corinthians 15:51.

At this point in my life there are days when I feel fully saturated with theology. If someone says one more word to me about GOD and his mercies, there are times in those moments when I want to scream. All I've known is Christianity. My family is a very religious Brethren (Methodist) set with very "Sithian" values. Black is black, White is white and any grey areas have to be fought over, verified and accepted (by a man of course) to be of any religious worth.

Growing up this way I now realise, made me have a very polar thought pattern. I was not easily molded outside the church. You may think that in the end that simply make me a very good church girl, who covered her head and prayed daily. Not so. I made noise about women's roles in church and questioned many "religious" practices. Eventually, I (stopped attending my church) and decided to explore other religious options - ones which I believe will allow me to grow with GOD, not stifle my growth.

One recent Saturday morning, I was once again passively ejected into the religious world of my youth with the death of a friend. Henry Richard Horatio George Webster, my uncle and friend to many people in the missionary community home and abroad.

Now, the Thanksgiving Services for my family members are always events of celebration. When the tributes and eulogy's are read, I always feel as if I'm a part of a legacy of "ever-living" legends. Of course, having rebelled against my Brethren beliefs long ago, I sat a little uncomfortable in the church chair (some of us have graduated from hard wooden pews), reminiscing on old hymns like "How Great Thou Art" and thinking that maybe I had given up more than was needed.

My uncle, was indeed a legend. His initials have been referred to as "His Royal Highness" because of his manner to be stately at all times, slow to speak but quick to point and always following after what I've often heard referred to as "the kingdom of GOD".

However, the things that touched me the most were not his religious accolades but the fact that he was indeed human. Loosely put "He liked the ladies" one would say. And according to another funeral report, was a noted troublemaker in his own humorous way. He fell asleep while driving long (and short) distances and he'd been known to be a little heavy on the gas before the responsibility of family.

At the end of the two hour service, you could truly see that he was indeed a friend loved by many.

So, it has made me wonder a bit about my own life and friendships. I have not yet lost someone close to me, someone who I call "My friend". But if I were to die, would there be any mention of a good nature and a true human spirit? Or would there be not that much to say at all?

Chapter First

"Please list the Telltale Signs of the Transition from Childhood to Adulthood". It may include First Car, First Car Payment. First Home, First Mortgage/Rent Payment. First Sexual Encounter. First Child, First School Fee. First Marriage. First Death of a Friend. The one I refuse to list, is the day one turns twenty-one. I know that this may frustrate and quite frankly "piss-off" a few people but I have good reason. "The Telltale Signs of the Transition from Childhood to Adulthood" which I will hereafter refer to the as "The List of Firsts" should not include any mention of birth dates simply because any one of these signs or "firsts" can occur at any time.

Culture, Illness, Loss of a primary caregiver, are no respecter of age. So clearly, age has nothing to do with it. Does it mean that the "age old" saying "listen to your elders" doesn't count? Well, I think it's worth removing from the pedestal.

I have been going through my own set of "first" encounters recently. My first blog for example. You're reading it. And for a first I'm determined to keep it going.

First Car, First Car Payment. I decided I needed a car, "to help facilitate the multiple road trips my career calls for". Truthfully, I think I was just being greedy, but I just could not resist the gold sheen and beauty that is my Suzuki Vitara. There are times when I feel that owning my first vehicle is more than a simple acquisition. It's an accomplishment. It's a sign that I'm ready to handle a different kind of accountability. It is my mark of freedom. My ability to go to the supermarket without having to find a cab or visit friends on some idle Saturday evening who will be willing to take a trip with me to the outskirts of Port Royal for fish and shrimp. Or even better, the key to my future Negril journeys.

My first car payment however seems to be a "first" step to slowly severing this dream of liberty and freedom and thoroughly cementing "a different kind of accountability". I have, since owning my first car, realised that the expense to fuel the vehicle for these and other fantasied trips is more than my now shallow pockets can accomodate. So for now I will continue to dream.

First....This and other firsts have now allowed me to truly appreciate my past life of irresponsibilty, where my only complaint was that I had to do the pile of Sunday dishes.

I believe that my major shock into adulthood was actually The First Marriage. The day I recieved that unexpected call, the shock, the countless questions...and then three months later there I was. Seated in the second row, on a wooden church pew amongst people who I had spent the best of my high school years with, watching one of my best friends say "I do". That! was when I felt old beyond compare. I truly felt life change at the moment. It was a moment of pride, joy and strangely enough sad uncertainty. We had all grown-up. And life seemed as if it would remain some kind of untold mystery.

Uncertainty is what frightens me. And "firsts" are always filled with uncertainties.

So, how is a person really suppose to handle the transition from childhood to adulthood. Do you hold back and live in what you know, in a safety net? Or do you ford the deep, murky waters of the unknown, hoping you don't sink if you happen slip under?